Dick is ready to settle down.
He is pre-med, wears a yarmulke
all the time, learns at least
three times a week. His family
has a good business—bras and girdles.
Dick is a real mentch.

Mentch.  Mentch.  Mentch.

Jane is a junior and is ready to date, too.
She wants a learner/earner like Dick.
Her family’s not so comfortable but
she has yichus; her father is a 4th cousin
to the Shikerrer Rav. Jane has a lot to offer—
pretty, smart—is a real catch.

Catch.  Catch.  Catch.

Dick’s cousin, Abe, sets up the date.
Jane’s mother is his dental hygienist.
Dick and Jane go to Starbucks.
They talk for hours. Jane isn’t even
embarrassed that she has foam on her lip.
They start to date.

Date. Date. Date.

They go to restaurants and tasteful bars.
Sip umbrella drinks—Jane likes to be laid
back even when they talk about God and Torah.   
Dick is in heaven with Jane who shoots
pool and bowls a 120, even in her skirt.
They have fun.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Dick and Jane do not touch. They are very religious.
After three months, they know it is time to shit
or get off the pot. Dick visits a neighbor
in the diamond district and picks a ring.
which Jane has sketched for him, on his computer.
Jane thinks about color and clarity even when she davens.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Dick proposes at Starbucks in a Superman costume.
People giggle when he bends on one knee and his tuches shows.
She moves the ring box side to side to see all the sparkles.
Jane texts three friends before she says yes.
Jose the barista takes pictures so they will be
the featured engagement on Only Simchas.

Simchas. Simchas. Simchas.

Jane and Dick’s parents invite half the world
to the L’Chaim.  They go all out. There is even a bride
made of fruit who has strawberries for breasts
(those stupid goyim) so Dick’s mother replaces them with
pineapple rings. People ooh and ahh over Rebbetzin Gottmacher’s
caramel roll and dip fruits into the chocolate fountain.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

The parents meet to make plans. They talk over gelt,
complain about Yeshiva tuition, real estate
in the toilet. They shake hands and for shalom bayis
Dick’s family pays for FLOPS:
Flowers, liquor, orchestra, photographer, sheitel—human hair.
They tell each other it will be a heimiche affair.


Heimiche. Heimiche. Heimiche.

Jane registers at Bed Bath and Beyond.
She needs meat and milk dishes, must have
the vibrating neck massager and sake cups.
There is a loud click each time she scans an item
from her list as long as an aisle. Jane’s mother-in-law
won a bake-off, insists Jane add a Mixmaster to the list.

Click. Click. Click.

Jane picks 8 of her best friends as bridesmaids.
Even frizzy-haired Leah Honigman, Jane’s 4th grade
carpool buddy wears a green satin dress; it is down
to her pupik. The other bridesmaids wear sleevies
and stand behind Jane at the Bedeken. Dick looks
like a deer in headlights while the 8 clap and scream like meshuggenehs.

Scream. Scream. Scream.

The wedding is a dream, Baruch Hashem.
Jane looks like an angel and her false
eyelashes stay put. People get seconds of sweetbreads
and baby lamb at the smorgasbord.
The dancing shtick is so leibadek, the wedding goes
into overtime. Finally, it is time for Dick and Jane to shtup.

Shtup. Shtup. Shtup.