Edgar William
Mankiewicz is former Chief Investment Officer for Merrill Lynch. He is a
paranoid little man with thinning hair and chronic body odor. He talks
to himself and can be seen taking swings at the air. He lives on a diet
of tuna and warm water. Lukewarm water. Flat water. He has never
married, nor for that matter dated. He rides the bus. One day in order
to augment his meager biographical statement, Mr. Mankiewicz attempted
to lie in front of a moving bus. To his dismay, he realized that he was
watching television. Currently, Mr. Mankiewicz writes an occasional
op-ed column for The Wall Street Journal under the name Rick Dick.
The Seven Laws of Mankiewicz
1. The quintessence/ur/primordia of the Mankiewicz scheme is that, I, Edgar William Mankiewicz use the money, liquid and futures, I receive from mannequin investors to pay extravagant rates of return to early clonic investors, thereby inducing more uber investors to place their money with me in the false hope of realizing this same extravagant rate of return themselves.
2. This works only so long as there is an ever-increasing number of mannequin, clonic and uber investors coming into my scheme.
3. To pay a 100% profit to the first 1,000 prehensile investors I need the money from 2,000 prepubescent investors.
4. To pay the same return to these first 3,000 pigmy goat investors in the next round, I need the money from 6,000 new pomade investors.
5. If all the meat puppet investors stay in the scheme, then I will need 18,000 new quagmire investors to pay off the first 9,000 hopeless sacks of manure investors.
6. If all the synthetic investors stay in my scheme, the number of digital investors participating has to triple with every round of postpartum investments.
7. In my, William Henry Mankiewicz scheme, starting with only 1,000 reptilian investors, after the 15th round the number of hybrid investors will exceed the population of the earth.
1. The quintessence/ur/primordia of the Mankiewicz scheme is that, I, Edgar William Mankiewicz use the money, liquid and futures, I receive from mannequin investors to pay extravagant rates of return to early clonic investors, thereby inducing more uber investors to place their money with me in the false hope of realizing this same extravagant rate of return themselves.
2. This works only so long as there is an ever-increasing number of mannequin, clonic and uber investors coming into my scheme.
3. To pay a 100% profit to the first 1,000 prehensile investors I need the money from 2,000 prepubescent investors.
4. To pay the same return to these first 3,000 pigmy goat investors in the next round, I need the money from 6,000 new pomade investors.
5. If all the meat puppet investors stay in the scheme, then I will need 18,000 new quagmire investors to pay off the first 9,000 hopeless sacks of manure investors.
6. If all the synthetic investors stay in my scheme, the number of digital investors participating has to triple with every round of postpartum investments.
7. In my, William Henry Mankiewicz scheme, starting with only 1,000 reptilian investors, after the 15th round the number of hybrid investors will exceed the population of the earth.
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